Table of Duties: Husbands and Wives

If you want to find the happiest people in life, find people who are married and in love. On the other hand, if you want to find the most miserable people in earth, find people that are married and at odds with their spouse. This is because there is no more intimate relationship on earth than the one a person has with their spouse.

And this relationship is not only important to us, it is precious to God himself. That is why he does not leave us to simply figure out how to do marriage on our own. He has ordered this relationship and gives us instruction on how to live in it. The only question is whether we will receive his instruction or reject it out of hand. Study after study suggests that women want to feel loved in marriage and men want to feel respected and useful. God plan not surprisingly offers just want each person needs to be happy and blessed.

God has ordered marriage to give the world a picture of what the relationship between Christ and the Church looks like. In this picture, the husband models the things that Christ does for his Church while the wife shows how the Church responds to the love of Christ.

Husbands, you are called to love your wife as Christ loved the church. And let’s take that down to the practical level. It means you are to listen to your wife when she speaks just as Christ does when we pray. It means you are to provide for her needs just a Christ assures that the church has everything she needs. It means you are to place her needs and desires before you own. You are to sacrifice yourself for her as Christ sacrificed himself for the Church on the cross. And blessedly, when you do all of this, your wife will knows that that she is treasured and loved.

Wives, you are to submit yourselves to your husbands. This is not because there is some deficiency in you that requires you to do so. You are to do this because you are to show to the world through you daily actions how the Church responds to Christ’s love. And the Church responds to Christ love by submitting herself to him.  But not only does your submission accurately portray the role of the Church in this picture, it is good for your husband and your marriage.

And again we must flesh this out in at the practical level. This means not trying to rule over him in the home. It means speaking well of him among your friends and peers. It means following his lead. And blessedly when you look to him for leadership, it gives him a true understanding that you respect and cherish him.

And just to be clear. Husbands, it is not your job to make your wives submit. Wives, it is not your job to make sure your husbands love you. When either spouse worries about what their spouse is to do, marriage becomes miserable. When a husband demands submission, the wife feels anything but loved. When the wife complains about the lack of her husband’s love, the husband feels useless. I suppose that much of the reason this idea of marriage has been so widely repudiated in the world and even the church is because husbands often used it as an excuse to rule with a hard rather loving hand and wives used it to bemoan their husband’s ways rather than seeking to support him in those ways. When husbands and wives seek their own good, misery is the result. When they seek the other’s good, happiness is the result. Yes, do what God has given you to do and leave your spouse to do the same.

And when you have not, confess that to your spouse. Admit that you have fallen short. Give them the space they need to confess their sins also. And then revel in the forgiveness of Christ together. Rejoice that your marred marriage has been reconciled by Christ. Remember that you have been raised up together to live in way that display before the world the beautiful intimacy that exists between Christ and his Church.

Why live in misery seeking your own way in marriage? Confess that God’s wisdom is wiser than your knowledge. And then know that you have Christ’s forgiveness. And you know why you have it? Because Christ, your husband, loves you in ways that can’t even imagine.  Doubt it for a second? Look to the cross.