One thing that has become evident to me in my time as a pastor is that most people are terribly uncomfortable in trying to comfort someone who is mourning some type of loss. In fact, most people are so uncomfortable that they either refrain from going to see the person altogether or barely peak in the door long enough to give them a casserole and leave (I do want to make clear that there is nothing wrong with the merciful act of bringing food. In fact, it is a beautiful thing. I simply use the example here to point out that sometimes it is a way to avoid having to deal further with the hurting person.)
I would like to suggest a simple three-point process that people could learn and practice when someone they know is mourning.
First, be present. It is a simple yet critically important thing to do. So many stay away precisely at the time that they are needed the most. In fact, I would suggest that if you can do nothing else, just show up and be quiet. It will mean much to the person who is mourning.
Secondly, mourn with the person. I think this point is often the one messed especially by well-meaning Christian people. Christian people often think that it is their job to bring good news into bad immediately. But the Scriptures tell us that one of the ways in which we are merciful to the mourning is simply to mourn with them. Share their pain into words, in tears, and in affection. Do not try immediately to take away the pain but rather help to shoulder it. Tell them you think the loss is downright awful. Let your tears flow with theirs. Embrace them.
Lastly, seek to bring the person comfort. I would admit that perhaps this is the most difficult part to do well and the part that takes the most practice. Your comfort cannot be just a cliché that you have heard a million times. It must be genuine. It must be thoughtful. It must be true. And for the Christian, it must be tied to Christ.
If you are not sure what to say, I would suggest using this same three-point structure to explain God’s way of dealing with the mourning. Tell them that God is present. Tell them that God knows pain and loss. And tell them that God sending of the Son assures us of his goodness and love. He will bring comfort.
I hope that this simple way of thinking about it will simply encourage more people to go and to care for the mourning. The body of Christ must be there for the mourning. It is essential to the communal nature of the Church.
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