I recently read this advice which is often shared mouth to mouth from parent to child and friend to friend:
Do Not Rush to Have Children
Though this is a matter of personal choice, one of the important marriage advice for newlyweds is to avoid having children for the first few years of marriage. This is because these years have to be committed to get to know and understand each other better. During the initial years, couples should work to build a strong relationship so that they can give their children a future that is happy and secured. (Link)
And it seems quite reasonable. There is no doubt that having a child or children changes the relationship between the two people having the child. That is indisputable. But as the above quote attests, in the advice to delay childbearing after marriage that seems to be quite common, there is always an implicit and often an explicit suggestion that the changes caused by a child are always negative or at the least potentially dangerous to marriage itself.
My main point is quite simple. A child is a visible manifestation of the reality created at the altar: the two become one flesh. At the altar, the concept seems so abstract that it is hard to truly grasp. But when a child rests from the excitement of labor in your arms, abstraction gives way into touchable reality. And that reality only grows as the child matures. Dad’s abnormally big eyes. Mom’s remarkable long toes. Mom’s quirky mannerisms. Dad’s dry sense of humor.
And my contention is that such a concrete expression of the two becoming one flesh is a great stabilizing factor in marriage.   In a world of separate back accounts, separate Facebook profiles, and separate career plans, it is more than good to have something in marriage that is unquestionably not separate.
Is it just coincidence that most marriages end in the very years that the experts urge childlessness? Surely not. Without children, divorce in our society is so easy to acquire. It is much easier than getting married. With a child present, the vows stated on the marriage day are given real weight. The children of divorce invariably give witness that the ending of a marriage is the ripping apart of a singular flesh, for they are that flesh.
Oh, how many issues could be made clear if our culture would simply reconnect three obviously naturally related things: marriage, sexuality, and children. We must stop talking about one apart from the other as people who understand the connection both from nature and revelation.
(I hope my comments here will be taken mostly in isolation from my other posts about birth control. For I seek to make an argument that can stand without the support of the reasoning and reflection offered in those posts. In other words, regardless of your overall thoughts about the use of birth control, I hope that you can still see some wisdom in these words.)
Agreement here! I always tell people not to put off having children. I won’t restate your many good points, but there are others I’ve always pointed out to people. First, I like being a young parent. I have energy, I share many of my kids’ interests, I’d rather be with them than devoting more time to work, traveling, socializing, or whatever else I could be doing. And as I’m aging I foresee a time when I will be less able to deal with sleepless nights and running around being crazy with my kids, but right now I’m good.
And if my kids follow the pattern, I hope to be a young grandparent. I’m thankful my kids have four grandparents who are relatively young and healthy, can still play ball and run around with them, go on vacation with them, etc. In fact, I even have video of my oldest son’s GREAT-Grandma rolling down a hill with him. I had the same benefit as a child to play with my grandmas and go out farming alongside my grandpas. And my kids have a great-great-grandma still living – people tell us how special that is but it is only because four generations chose to have children right away (all still married I’ll add).
Last (and in this case, definitely least) is the financial argument. I hesitate to write this because I trust God to take care of me and that includes finances, but I’ll point out this statistic anyway. People who have kids early are more likely to be financially secure in their later years, because the kids have grown up before they (the parents) reach their high earning years, which allows them to save more. When people save money before having kids, they tend to spend that money on the kids. But the well-being of children is not dependent upon money (as long as you are able to feed, clothe and shelter them adequately).
I also found it interesting a few years back when research was presented that showed women should not put off having children because it becomes increasingly more difficult to conceive after 35 (I think that is the correct age). That’s just medical statistics, but so many people didn’t want that published because of what it meant for women’s rights and choices. Apparently if women heard this they would decide not to put off having children any longer which would somehow hurt the women’s movement, or something.
It’s funny how often I hear people advise others not to have kids right away, yet I don’t know anybody that regrets having children early in their marriage.
Great post! I’m anxious to read other thoughts.
My comment is not as deep as Andy’s 🙂 I was one of those crazy ppl who had children right after we got married. I could not tell you how many people looked down upon us for doing that. It got to the point that I did not want to tell people that we were pregnant. I was sometimes wishing we had waited because of all the pressure! I can say that after 4 kids I DO NOT regret having the right away. I have learned so much about my husband, more than I would have if we had waited till we ‘got to know each other” After we got married we had 9 months to “get to know each other” before there was any baby and those were the most trying times and we learned and grew all b/c we did not wait to have kids. If we had waited till we were financially stable we would be waiting till we were at least 50 or 60!!!