Contrary to how we often speak, virginity is not something that Christians are to guard and keep. It is something they are to give away. I know that seems downright wrong to say and is enough to make every Christian parent with growing kids squirm a little. But before you add this blog post to the list of blocked sites on your teen son’s or daughters internet filter, let me explain what I mean.
I just finished reading this article, an ode to a twenty nine year old virgin written by a thirty two year virgin. In Christianity, we have come to idolize such people. We think it is quite laudable that they have kept their virginity that long. Such people statistically are a very rare breed and so we celebrate them. Oh yes, society mocks and maligns them, but we in the Church put them on a pedestal and write blog posts about them. We proclaim them our chaste champions.
Our sexuality is ultimately not something to be kept for ourselves but to be given away. Given to our spouse to be sure but still to be given away. God’s design for sexuality is not ultimately that it would be suppressed for as long as possible as some sort of heroic feat of self control. It is meant to be used for every good it has to offer one spouse to another in Christian marriage.
I think one of the cruelest things we have done to young Christians is give them the impression that the wisest thing to do is remain chaste (and unmarried) until their late twenties or later when they are hopefully well established and independent. Such a task is near impossible because it fights against nature and God’s plan for sexuality. We tell people during the time of their greatest sexual virility to resist the natural urges they have in order to chase after other things. We suggest that to let those urges find their proper place in marriage would be unwise. We end up speaking in a way that demonizes both sex and marriage and then wonder why both are thought of so poorly.
Lest I be misunderstood, let me say the following. If you do not have a spouse you should unquestionably remain chaste. The bible is clear that all sexuality outside of marriage is sinful and does not serve to keep the marriage bed pure.
But please also understand this. We as the Church need to speak about and teach about marriage in a way that makes our young prioritize it in their lives. Marriage and family are much more important to life than what one ends up doing as a career or how much wealth they amass by age 40. Rather than speaking about the marriage of younger people as something that destroys lives, we should laud it as that which gives life new purpose and joy to life.
So to all the young Christians out there, I say: give your virginity away. Give it away to the one God gives you as your spouse. Don’t put off marriage and sexuality needlessly. When you find one who shares your desire to be gathered to Christ regularly, understands the nature of Christian marriage, and has the approval of your parents, go ahead. Get married and give your virginity away. God gave you your virginity as a gift to bestow upon your spouse. He did not give it to you to be kept for some badge of pride to be lauded by others.
I agree with the principle of following God and remaining chaste until married, and I believe Christians should marry young. Many generations did marry young in America, including returning veterans from World War II who went to college, worked, raised families, sacrificed, but had no inclination to just “shack up”. Many men in the old days guarded the reputations of the women they loved, and insisted on marrying rather than be seen as promiscuous. But now, even Christian couples just shack up, and marry(the big wedding) when it is convenient for them. We live in an age of immorality today.
Phil,
I have read your post twice now and it seems to me that you are advocating getting married as quickly as possible. One of the biggest problems is people getting married too soon, before they are mature enough to realize all that it takes to make marriage work. That does not mean I advocate for cohabitation and everything that goes with it. It is a foregone conclusion that, in this country, divorce rates are highest among people who get married way too young, from 18-24 whereas people who wait to marry in their 30s are less likely to get divorced. Then we start analyzing the situation based on what is more sinful: waiting to get married and indulging in the pleasure of vice or getting married ASAP and then getting divorced and hurting any kids that come out of that short union. So, what’s the solution? Sadly, I have none.
I’m also a little alarmed about how you do not address the spiritual warfare needed to combat the desires of the flesh. Let’s be honest: people are going to wait more for marriage. So, rather than try to push them into marriage (which could be a very bad decision), what tools are you and the Church offering them to help combat this? Confession? Prayer? Repentance? Lutheranism’s abandonment of monasticism and the monastic life (even if only for a short while), I believe, does not help. A place that is holy and dedicated to God and removed from the world’s sinfulness may be the best thing to help.
Back to your main point, though, I believe you’re wrong: Virginity is something to be guarded because when we give it up we are surrendering it, at least in the marriage bed, to God. It is a dieing of oneself, a martyrdom. Such is why in the Orthodox marriage mystery (i.e. sacrament) there are hymns sung in honor of the martyrs some of whom were virgins like Anastasia and Paraskeve of Rome. We guard it to offer it in purity. We shouldn’t just get rid of it as if it were some burden. for many, this is their cross to bear. You’re writing as if it shouldn’t be.
In close, I remember hearing a joke that proves that GOd has a sense of humor because He made men most sexually desirous in their late teens and early twenties and made women’s sexual peak at mid 30s. It’s fire and ice however you want to look at it.